Show Notes
A typical commercial break on a radio station in a Fantasy Kingdom called Stonetree. You'll find out which carpet to buy, where to get swords, potions, or a job, and who to call if you get into legal trouble. Direct any questions or comments to [email protected].
Here's the script that was used to create this episode:
Ad #1 Luxury Flying Carpet: The 1319 Alatar Gryphon
(Classy low music)
Announcer: Introducing the all new 1319 Alatar Gryphon- elevating the magic carpet from conveyance (pause) to artform. The Alatar Gryphon, woven from the finest silk and powered by premium spirits from the elemental plane of air, it provides an absolutely smooth ride through any night sky. Starting at just 1199 gold pieces per month and with 0 percent financing for the first 60 months, the question isn't can you afford the 1319 Alatar Gryphon, (pause) but can you afford to be seen flying anything else? Alatar Flying Carpets, made with enchantment. 1199 gold piece per month and 0 percent apr offer based on credit check, not compatible with some other offers, see participating rug merchant for details.
Ad #2 Potion Shop- Seija's Alchemical Emporium
1: - and my elbow's been really bothering me, and I'm pretty sure I've contracted trollpox, and I think these aren't freckles, but a colony of micraoscopic skin pixies, and-
2: (Interspersed) Oh. Uh huh. 11aYeah. You know, if you're so worried about it, why don't we go into Seija's Alchemical Emporium over there?
1: I don't know, do you really think it would help?
2: Absolutely, Seija makes potions and remedies for all kinds of gnarly diseases and conditions. Let's go!
(SFX) Shop Door Bell.
Seija: Welcome to Seija's Alchemical Emporium, what can I help you with today?
1: Well, I've got troll pox, and skin pixies, and Shallbazzars's Disease and my elbows been bothering me and and (wheeze) and asthma.
Seija: I see. Here's a potion for the asthma. Don't drink it, just open the bottle and inhale the fumes when you start to wheeze.
SFX: Cork pop, deep breath.
2: What about all the other stuff, do you have a potion that can fix all that?
Seija: Oh yes, I believe I do. Try a draft of this.
1: The label says “Potion of Wisdom” on it. How is that going to help?
Seija: Just try it.
SFX: Cork pop, drinking sounds.
1: Oh my gods, I'm a hypochondriac.
Announcer: Seija's Alchemical Emporium- Stocking a variety of curative and enhancing potions, located on Scholars Row, near the Library.
Ad #3 Weapon Forge – Ironsleeves Forge- Proprietor Ranulf Ironsleeves
Fighter 1: Draw steel knave!
Fighter 2: Knave, ha! I'll show you!
SFX: Swords Clash like a few times.
SFX: Sword shattering clattering away.
Ironsleeves: See, this would never happen if ye just shopped at Ironsleeves forge! We've all that ye need in the way of swords, axes, hammers, and the like. In the heat o' battle, ye should never have to worry about-
SFX: Sword shatter
Ironsleeves: so you can focus on this:
SFX: Swords clash
Fighter 1: You fight like a dairy farmer!
Fighter 2: How appropriate, you fight like a cow.
Fighter 1: I'm surprised your mother lets you have something as sharp as a sword.
Fighter 2: I didn't get permission to use it from my mother, I got it from yours.
Ironsleeves: And by this, I'm o'course reffering to your swordfight banter. Remember, if ye're looking fer arms, the firs place ye look is in Ironsleeves!
Ad #4 Job offers – Questboard
Person 1: My Cellar is full of rats and I don't know what to do!
Person 2: I need someone to go into the forest and gather mushrooms for me!
Person 3: A kobold stole my baby!
All together now: Who can help us?
Announcer: It sounds like what you all need is Questboard! Questboard is the new way to hire people to assist you with your everyday, and not so everyday tasks. Simply come into our counter (inside the Copper dragon inn on Gate Street) and our professional scribe will post the relevant information on your quest to the new Questboard outside the inn. Special Deal! First time Questgivers can post up to five quests at an introductory price of just 3 silvers per bulletin.
All: Thanks Questboard!
Ad #5 The Offices of Faustiaun D'Azoral- Warlock at Law
1: When I was young, I foolishly made a bargain with a witch to trade my firstborn child for a pair of magic shoes. But when I finally had a kid, it turned out that I really liked him! So I called at the offices of Faustiaun D'Azoral, Warlock at Law, and he convinced the Witch that Firstborn child, in our verbal agreement, meant the first child I had ever held, and I promptly handed over my younger brother instead of my son. It was a win win!
2: When my brother traded me to a witch for a pair of magic shoes, I hired D'Azoral, Warlock at law, and he proved that only a person's actual parents can trade then for magic shoes, and the contract for my immortal soul was null and void. He even got me damages for emotional distress!
D'Azoral: Have you been accused of a crime? Were you injured in a dangerous magical experiment? Did you enter into an unwise contract with a being beyond your comprehension? I Faustiaun D'Azoral, Warlock at Law, will put my many years of experience negotiating and surviving contracts for power and personal gain with demons from the very pits of hell, to work for you. With crimes and contracts, it's easy to feel like you're in over your head, but whatever hedge witch or magistrate you've gotten on the wrong side of is nothing compared to Dread Mephitstelzeebub, lord of the under realms, king of pain, the end of all hope and life! (ahem) And if I can handle him, then I can help you. If you're in trouble with the mundane or magical laws of the land, come and see me, Faustiaun D'Azoral Warlock at law today! I'm sure we can make a deal!
Station ID:
You’re listening to KSTB, the Kingdom of Stonetree Broadcast via the Speaking Stone Coalition. I’m Arenthaer Gald and coming up we’ll hear from the new bardic sensation whose shaking all the leaves at Stonetree Keep, but first we’ll have Finola Vance, our meteorastrologer, with the weather.
FInola: The Stars say that the rest of today shall be sunny. Well, one star does… the sun. It's the sun.. Ha ha, just my little joke. But tomorrow and Thursday will be rainy, according to the position of the moon in conjunction with the constellation Nimbocumulus. If you have green eyes, watch out for lightning bolts, possibly metaphorical ones, although you never know.
